This is a personal site. This is part of my story. I started this site to offer help and support for sexual abuse survivors with self-injurious behaviors--sexual self-injury. That is why I wrote Peeling Back the Layers. I want to share my story with others, so that they know they are not alone, as I had always felt.

We live in a sexualized culture where people respond with horror to the sexual violence perpetrated against children, or with harsh 'judgement' to what they consider promiscuity, but fail to talk candidly about it. These acts may be part of the individuals own illness–not always a choice. The fact that we live in a sexualized culture, surrounded by signs and ads using sex to sell may be part of the paradox that creates such aberrant behavior. Almost everything that is advertised talks about how it will feel good, get better and get more sex. The emphasis is on great sex. This may account for behavior that is a 'choice' to cope in ways that are 'taught' to victims and accepted and promoted in a culture full of mixed messages.

I wanted to tell my story because there are many survivors of abuse who carry secrets. The secrets that no one can know about and the secrets that ruin our lives. How many abuse survivors have experienced arousal while having a flashback or a memory of the abuse? A lot. How many abuse survivors felt it was disgusting to have arousal associated with abuse? A lot. Maybe it's an article of clothing that reminds you of what your abuser wore or clothing you wore during the abuse. It could be anything: a sound, a place, a smell or food. Maybe an object used during the abuse.

I had no control over the sexual arousal during the abuse. And that's when pleasure and punishment came into play. I was punishing my body for betraying me; I thought I didn't have a choice; I thought I didn't deserve to feel pleasure. I learned the pattern of sexual self-injury. I created a lifestyle of control and isolation.

Deep down inside was still that little girl who wanted to be happy. I not only punished myself, but I had punished the little girl inside of me. She had feelings too. I was being selfish, only thinking about my feelings, always forgetting that I still had the little girl inside.

She went through a lot of pain growing up and didn't deserve to still be in pain. It was time we started taking care of each other. The little girl inside had faith in me, and she never gave up on me. She was a fighter and knew I was the only one who could release the shame, the guilt and the pain.

I took charge of my own life. I couldn't concern myself with what people thought of me. I had to learn to trust again. It would be nice if I could say it was all behind me, but it will always be beside me. I couldn't look back, wondering what was going to happen next. I embraced my past; it was a part of me. I didn't believe in letting go of my past. The only thing I could let go of was the control it had over me. I am a human being, not a human doing.

The arousal will probably always be there, but I needed to have that final separation between the arousal and the abuse--like separating conjoined twins--so I could live and experience my own self. That I could control.

I hope those who sexually self-injure won't feel alone anymore and will open up to their doctor or therapist, so they, too, can start the healing process and let go of the secrets.

I don't have any specialized training or qualifications. I don't have answers or solutions. My knowledge is simply based on my own experiences and can be different from yours in many ways. This site is not meant to be used as a substitution for professional help or advice, but a means for education and support. And that there is someone out there willing to listen and who shares their feelings.

Click on the bottom or top on 'categories' for more information on PTSD, sexual anorexia, dissociation, self-injury & self-harm.